Sunday, 21 February 2010

And then it snowed!

Grief is a many sided monster: Anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, missed opportunities, questions, dashed hopes, a huge void, but also, thankfully, many happy memories.

What hurts so much, is knowing that I can't share my joy, laughs and thoughts with the person I want to. However, losing C so young, has made me even more determined to live my life to the full. After all, C, without a doubt, the bravest person that I have, or indeed, ever will have known, wasn't scared of dying. However, she was really frightened by the thought of not living.

We had so many hopes, plans, ideas and aspirations, and I owe it to to her memory to ensure that I live my life to the full, for us both. She didn't get the chance, so I must not, and will not, squander my opportunity. I've got a plan of action, but more of that when I'm ready to move forward. I've promised myself, no hasty decisions. After all, it's only been seven weeks. Already it seems like seven years. I'm steadily getting back into the flow of life. I'm back at work, and have even visited the dentist. And yes, I did leave a ha'penny in her magic fairy tree! And then what happened?

And then it snowed............. And how C used to love the snow too!

If the fairies had sprinkled their magical white dust over the landscape during the night, the look of delight on her face in the morning was something to behold. As if the earth has been transformed into some peaceful, virginal landscape, as if wiping the slate clean and starting afresh, with everything the same colour........White.

The Three Musketeers love the snow too. Three little kangaroos, bouncing around like miniature Kangas, or maybe even Piglets with Pooh on a woozle hunt?

Well, we jumped over the style and wandered up the field. C loved the trees, and today they seemed even more magical, being covered in their fairy dust. Twinkling in the sunlight like christmas tree lights - It was only a few months ago that C seeked my reassurance that it wouldn't be the last time that she put up our own christmas tree decorations. "Of course not love, you'll be fine" What else could I say? Anyway, I really believed that she would be fine. How wrong can a man be?

C would often wonder what the trees had seen in the course of their lives. People coming and going, landscapes changing, farmers, walkers, lovers, or people like me, just collecting their thoughts, and their Jack Russell Terriers, that is, if they can find them!

Well, it's strange that I think on such a peaceful morning, that the particular oak tree that I stop at, has also played witness to war, to my mind, on two occasions -The first was the English Civil War. Apparently there was a skirmish in this field. I know this from metal detecting with my friend here. Although I've not been so lucky, he's found musket balls, a lead powder keg as well as some Stuart period coinage. The last one was a James I silver shilling. Now that was a lot of money to lose. A shilling!!! What would that have bought in it's day?

And the other war I mentioned? Not so many years ago, this one. The farm is now run by his son, but his father, who passed away a few years, was a wartime Lancaster pilot. He was, unlike my own uncle, one of the "lucky" ones who came home in 1945. He came home with a DFC and Bar, after 60 operational sorties. Not many lasted that long. But before he came home, he had flown his Lanc. directly over the farm, on a "flying visit" which is still much talked to this day. I wonder if the old oak tree remembers it?

I follow their tracks and find the dogs. Well, as far as I can tell, no woozles today, but I think a couple of rabbits had a lucky escape! As I towel the dogs down, I'm pleased to notice that I left the kettle on the rayburn. Time for tea with a generous slice of apple and sultana cake, me thinks!